Endings

So last summer I attended my 20 year high school reunion.  High school was a good time for me.  I enjoyed it immensely at the time, and in retrospect feel truly lucky.

I talked with people I hadn’t during high school and found out that we had much in common.  I talked with people I disliked in high school and found that I still didn’t care for them.  I saw people I kept in touch with, and some I hadn’t.

There was one person there that I hadn’t kept in touch with, but wish I had.  It was so good to see her.  I only got to talk with her for a few minutes, but I was hopeful that we would be able to stay in touch going forward.

A couple of months later I found out she had committed suicide.

What?

I have to admit that it still distresses me if I dwell on it.

I mentioned to a co-worker whose opinion I value later that week.  I said that I wish I knew why.  I was told that “Even if you knew you couldn’t have done anything about it.” 

My first reaction was to deny that I would have tried to “talk her out of it”, but to be honest with myself, had I known she was thinking that way, I’m sure I would have tried to help.

I’ve been told that sometimes suicide isn’t always about things bad, but that sometimes a person looks around and thinks “This is it?  There’s nothing more?”

A few years ago I went for breakfast at IHOP with my grandfather.  At the time my mom was sick, and I was going to drive him out to see her.  Grandpa was a bout 90 at the time, and Grandma had been gone for a few years already.  Over breakfast we had a real conversation about, life, in general.  He commented that he hadn’t thought he would outlive any of his children, and that he had days when he felt like Methuselah. 

Just a couple of months later the got pneumonia and was gone three days later.

He certainly didn’t commit suicide, but I think he looked around and thought; “This is it?  There’s nothing more?”, and sort of gave up.

There are times when I miss him, miss both of them, but instead of remembering the end I think I’ll choose to remember the other times, and be happy for them in that they got to go on their own terms.